Divorce is probably one of the most stressful experiences for adults. Apart from the heartache, blame, guilt and all the other myriad of emotions both parties go through, there is the physical dividing up of the things that represent the life you had built together, and setting up two homes for your children, along with the financial strain that comes with that. In amongst all of that, it is easy to forget that divorce is probably hardest for the children of the family, who now have to upend their lives on a regular basis and recalibrate to the mood, rules and norms of the other parent’s house. I’ve put together 10 tips for divorced parents, things which I’ve learned over the years since my own divorce. If you have any other suggestions which have worked well for your family, please pop them in the comments at the end.
- Less packing, less stress. As soon as possible, make sure that the children have all the things they need at both houses. Toothbrush, hairbrush, pyjamas, clothes, toys. Device chargers! The less they have to pack, the easier it is for them to move between two houses. Something is always left behind, and this causes a lot of stress for children. By being as prepared as possible, you can prevent some of this stress. It also makes the logistics of moving between houses simpler if there is less for the children to carry.
- Checklists. When there are inevitable things that need to move between two houses, prepare a checklist for your child or the other parent (depending on the age of the child) so that everything that needs to move is packed. Uniforms and school shoes, ballet clothes, library books, medication. There is nothing worse than the Monday morning panic when the realisation sets in that the school book is at dad’s house, on the other side of town.
- Regular, Flexible Schedule. Have a regular schedule, and where possible, parents should share an annual calendar which includes holidays and special occasions. This should allow for flexibility and negotiation: you took them away last Christmas and I’ll take them away this Christmas. The routine and regularity are important for children and it’s also tremendously helpful for parents. Also everyone can see in advance whose weekend it is or if someone is away, with or without the children.
- Contact. Children should always be allowed to contact the other parent. This could be on their own devices or just a commitment from each parent that if the child wants to call their other parent they may. It’s essential for children to keep in touch and keep their parents appraised of how they are or what is going on in their lives. This can be difficult, particularly if you have had a disagreement with the child, but it’s important for the child to have someone they can vent with. If you are the parent on the receiving end of a whinge from your child at the other parent’s house, remember that the child is offering one perspective of what’s going on, and it’s always a good idea to speak to the other parent before deciding on any action.
- Parent/child Relationships. Don’t allow your broken relationship with the other parent to damage your child’s relationship with them. You don’t have to live with that person anymore, but your child will always have a relationship with them. Put your own feelings aside and think about the children. Sometimes you might need to bite your tongue or to dig deep to be generous about them. Sometimes, you might need to help them to navigate their relationship with their other parent. But they have a right to have a relationship with their parents that is free of your ill feelings for them.
- Communication, communication, communication. Constant, honest communication between parents is so important. It is vital for the other parent to know what is happening in the child’s life. It also prevents children from playing one parent against the other, as they will sometimes try to do. Share news about extended family, pets, health, school, stressors in the child’s life. It helps the child when the parent knows what issues are bothering them. Decide together how to deal with communication from the children’s school, for instance. It’s also vital that you are honest with your children – they pick up much more than you realise. Choose age-appropriate information, but do share. Their minds will fill in the details that you don’t tell them, so rather make sure that they truly understand what is going on.
- Rules and discipline. Agree on similar, age-appropriate rules for the children. If one parent believes strongly that children should not have a cell phone before the age of 12, and another buys the child a cell phone at the age of 7, this will cause tension. Communicate about it. Negotiate. Mete out similar discipline for the same transgressions – if a child has been grounded by one parent, it isn’t fair for the other parent to let them go to parties.
- Special occasions. I know this might sound like a step too far in a painful divorce, but it means the world to children to see their parents getting along. Make sure the other parent is invited to the child’s birthday party. Where you can manage it, invite the other parent to Christmas lunch or have some sort of celebration of these occasions together. They needn’t be long, drawn out events and you might need to have very careful ground rules in place, but it is good for children to have their parents in one place on occasion. Where celebrating together is not possible, make sure that the children have access to their parents on special occasions. Make sure dad has the kids over Father’s Day and they are with their mom when it’s her mom’s birthday party. This way the children aren’t left out of important family events. Remember, the number of important family events doubles when families are divorced.
- Fair play. Let’s be honest: parenting comes with both slog and extreme fun. But when parents divorce, it often happens that one parent is left with the weekday routine: lunch boxes, homework, extra murals, etc, and the other gets to do all the fun things: ice skating, parties, the zoo. Try to share the load as much as possible. Try to be cognizant of what the other parent’s load is with regard to parenting and talk about ways to share it. Unfairness breeds resentment, and resentment is not a good place to settle.
- Be nice to each other. Your children are watching. I cannot stress this enough. Your child carries DNA of both parents. When you are mean to their other parent (in person or from a distance) you are mean to your child. Children find it incredibly confusing and painful when their parents fight, and when parents fight dirty, it is actively bad for children. Deep breaths, bite your tongue if necessary, and be civil. Don’t vent to your child about their parent – save that for your friends or your therapist.
I know that these tips might sound idealistic to some divorced parents – after all, a breakdown in communication is probably what caused the divorce! But try to keep at the front of your mind that the child’s best interest comes first and foremost. It really helps in all interactions.
I would love to hear some of your ideas and what has worked well for your divorced families. Pop a comment in the box below.
Have a beautiful day.
Lisa